Day 13

Sep 24

Today is cycle day thirteen on the new treatment.

It’s always funny how time is measured in your consciousness. Stereotypically, the weekend flies by and weekdays plunk along.  Toddler tantrums make minutes feel like hours.  In my family we anticipate reunions with how many big sleeps left countdowns. Nap time: you blink and you (literally) miss it. Every time I have a dentist appointment, I can’t believe its been six months.

Today in my world, more than it’s September, more than it’s Monday, more than it’s autumn: it is Day 13.  Which basically means that my medical status associated with my treatment is dominating my perspective.

My body is hurting. Since my treatment day, I’ve been pretty isolated. I’ve continued to operate the bare essentials of wife-ing and parenting: the hugs and the high-fives, the carpool, the three-meals-a-day, the love. But if it doesn’t have to be done and doesn’t contribute to the immediate well-being of one of the four of us, it doesn’t get done. Brad has stepped up and taken on absolutely every element that he can and he’s almost as tired as I am, I think. Friends have filled our freezer and hearts. I’ve only engaged in two-and-a-half social engagements wherein I have been able to manage my symptoms and side effects to interact with the world in a semi-normal fashion.  Other than that, I’ve been home-ridden, largely bed-ridden.  I’ve missed a lot, to the point where I miss me. I don’t feel like myself when my sphere is so small. The good thing is that I am well-versed in symptom management, and I know what my resources are and how to leverage them for maximum benefit.  The bummer is that the chemo kicked my butt, the side effect of the immune-boosting shot kicked my butt, and a complication/infection kicked (and is still kicking) my butt.  So, yeah.  It’s Day 13, and that’s how I’m marking my time.  I’m looking forward to turning the calendar page to a new outlook.

I was tempted not to write any of this, and now not to share it after I wrote it.  I think my rationale harkens back to the “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” point of view. But there is value — and beauty — in the honesty of it all too, and that is not lost.  In my life goal: do today well, I’m am doing well.  Even (most of the time) during this craptacular stretch. I have more support and love than I know what to do with; thank you.

Today I had to have a minor procedure done to mitigate a side effect.  The doctor who helped me is a friend of both Dr. Wonderful and my mom; he came straight from vacation to the hospital to see and treat me even though I’m not technically his patient. The selflessness and character of the people around me continue to blow me away, and I am so grateful.

My prayer tonight is that tomorrow’s perspective will simply be a crisp autumn Tuesday with my loves.  Do today well.

25 comments

  1. Marlayne Skeens /

    Hugs ~ Time is relative ~ More hugs that tomorrow will be a crisp Fall Day with your loves❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️🤗

  2. Karin Eppert /

    Sending you love and prayers and strength and hugs.

  3. Lori6NV /

    Praying for you always, Jen. Especially in this craptacular season. You *still* do this well. Always have, always will. ~ Your far-flung blog friend, Lori

  4. lisasmith152@me.com /

    I love you so much. Thank you for being brave and not deleting this. Xoxo

  5. Heather Rose /

    Your words always find a place deep in my heart. Your real and honest journey is such a gift. I appreciate every time you share and respect every time you choose not to.

  6. Melody smith /

    Will pray for the craptacular to pass and the chemo wipes out the nastiness once and for all. Tuesday will triumph!

  7. Kim Rourke /

    Praying for that perfect crisp fall day just for you!😘

  8. Sending prayers for relief this morning so doing today well, tomorrow, means feeling more like Jen. But you are always Jen or would not be sharing the honest truth and still endeavoring to do today well for you and your fam whether from bed or on your feet. Thank you for sharing. We pray.

  9. Kathi Roth /

    Love that you share. Here’s to crisp autumn days with your loved. You are lived friend❤️❤️

  10. Newbie friend /

    Thank you for being authentic- it makes me pray even harder for you! I pray that that the cancer cells will feel even worse. Love that Andrea got to see and hear you. She said you very wise and had goodness to share.
    Praying that you start to feel more like Jen!

  11. Ah Jen, so true about time and how we measure it. Thanks for sharing your writing, even in the hard times…there is a deep beauty that prevails. I am lifting you up in prayer. Here’s to a crisp autumn Tuesday with our loves.💟

  12. Mike Eck /

    We are blessed to remember how you were a role model to our daughter when you were both young. You are now a role model to us all.

  13. Think of you so often. Love you girl.❤️

  14. Amy Saxby /

    Jen..I am praying for you. Standing beside you in the faith. Fighting battles….praying. love you my sister.

  15. Marsha Vonderwish /

    Praying you are feeling much better today and building healthy cells.

  16. Amanda Baugnet /

    Being honest is harder than being nice sometimes, keep doing the hard things so well.

  17. Thank you for sharing. It is your transparency that allows those of us who are far away, and wouldn’t know otherwise, to pray more passionately. Praying for a crisp morning with hope that the drugs can find ways to destroy the cancer without taking such a toll on you.

  18. Always so thankful for your perspective. Continued prayers.

  19. Lindsay /

    Thank you for sharing the rough moments, dear friend. Praying there are glimpses and longer moments of feeling better/having some energy.

  20. There is so much value in the honest of it. Likely more than you know. Sending you lots of prayers and a bubble of comfort.

  21. Jennifer Duke /

    Please don’t ever fell you shouldn’t share. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to deal with and balance everything. Continuing to lift you in up in prayer and enjoy being part of your journey!

  22. Bonnie B Jackson /

    I feel your weaknesses and pray God’s Strength 💪 to invade your body !! It’s okay to share Jen, that’s the essence of you and we All Know that you Do Today Well everyday even though it may look a little different each day!! Praying for Strength and Peaceful release to be upon your sweet family!! Love you!!

  23. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

  24. Christin /

    Of course it’s important that you share the hard parts too! You use wisdom with this blog, and I’m glad you deemed it appropriate to share this part of the journey. I love you, and I see that your blog readers do too. We’re with you.

  25. Sharing allows us to pray specifics for you. Thank you for taking the energy to share with us.