I feel… and I know…

I feel and I know has been my latest prompt with the girls when I want to hear something meaningful about their days. “I feel” addresses the feelings they are having:
-I feel… sad that no one talked to me at lunch and it’s like I have no friends
-I feel… worried I’m not going to make the project deadline
-I feel… smothered by a girl in my class who won’t leave me alone
-I feel… excited that school is ending but I sad will miss the people
“I know” requires them to combat the feeling with a truth that relates to what they are feeling:
-I know… I have friends, and that they do care about me
-I know… I am smart, I have help available to me, and I got this
-I know… she is hurting and that’s why she’s behaving that way; I can be her friend
-I know… it will be a great summer break and I will see the people I love soon

Depending on the height and depth of the emotions at play, it can take a long time to circle to the “I know” statements. First I help them accept and validate the emotion — it’s real! Then we almost always have some level of chatter, sarcasm or jokes in the middle because laughter is a good way of breaking off negative emotion. (Not always, but often.) I think it is really important to acknowledge and validate emotions, but generally not a good idea to live out of emotions. I know for myself — and because of my situation — I would be a hot mess. Instead I am in the long habit of living out of my “I know” statements: the truths and logic that I can self-speak are much more positive and even keel than my emotions. My energy/effort/brain either feeds the “feels” or the “knows” — one is healthy for me and the other is not (speaking in general terms; there are exceptions.) Teaching my girls this practice of cycling through and “doing the work” will serve them well as a practical tool in life. (I hope.)

A friend recently asked me what I thought about fear. I think I surprised her when I said, “Fear is real!” with enthusiasm. “There are lots of times where I feel afraid. I also accept and validate my fear: it is not irrational or false.”

“Whoa,” she said, “I think I was expecting a Blog Jen answer in a neat package where you said something like, ‘There is no fear because blah, blah blah.’

I laughed and said, “No. With regard to fear (and other negative feelings), I tend to play it all the way out: if fear and death are on the left side of the spectrum, then life in heaven is on the right side of spectrum. I feel afraid, but I know I have hope.” The peace comes in remembering what I know. It’s not that the fear goes away, it is that there is a framework for my brain to follow so that it doesn’t get stuck in the emotion of fear. I spend my days with my ‘I know’ statements running through my head, thus I am nearly always in a positive mindset. And that helps me live as the best Jen.

Today I’ll have radiation treatment number nine of ten. I am experiencing some improvements with my breath and cough, so I am hopeful that trend continues. I am so, so glad to be doing this radiation. My nurse practitioner said yesterday, “I’m so glad you pushed for this!”, and it was nice to get that affirmation. Yesterday was a big day since I had both chemo and radiation. My sister stayed with us this weekend and she was just a busy bee: she did all the laundry in the house including all the sheets and towels, she cleaned out cabinets, she did a bunch of rounds of meals and kitchening, and sorted out some nooks and crannies that have been hoarding things. It was great for me to do some smaller tasks and lots of resting, and for Brad to do some projects that are in his wheelhouse. Our people who love us so well continue to be instrumental in the peace of our home with all the help and love coming in various forms. Thank you.