Wrecking ball

Mar 31

Have you ever seen a wrecking ball hit a brick wall?  Yesterday, when the chemo started dripping in, it started the rise, the lift, of the crane.  Last night I started to feel the impact coming, and this morning I was hit.  I dragged myself through a shower, popped my anti-nausea meds and sat on the sideline of the field across the street with Greta’s baby monitor in hand while Maren participated in our neighborhood Easter Egg Hunt.  I watched and I quietly cheered.  Brad hunted with her, and our neighbors gathered and took pictures.  It was a lovely, if chilly, event.

I went back to sleep until it was time to get my injection.  The day after every chemotherapy session, I will go back to the office to get an injection that will boost my body’s ability to make white blood cells.  This will allow my blood and my body to recover faster, so that my chemotherapy drips can be closer together and more effective at killing the cancer.  It is another tool in the arsenal.  Brad, Maren, Greta and I drove back to the office for the injection.

I popped another anti-nausea pill and a painkiller so that I could put my best Mommy face on.  Maren and I went into the doctor’s office alone: she happily pushed all the elevator buttons and all of the handicap door accesses.  The nurse, the only one on duty this Saturday morning, greeted us warmly and immediately set Maren up with juice and cookies.  Maren explored the chemo room as I filled the nurse in on my symptoms and side effects.

Maren covered her eyes when it was time for me to get the shot, but I had her peek out at my smiling face while it was happening.  She seemed comfortable and cheerful.  For her, my doctor’s office is the cookie stop, the place with elevator buttons to push, the place with lots of comfy chairs just like the chairs at her grandparents house.  For me, this room, this office, it is where medical miracles happen.  My Maren and I both like this place, and can’t wait to come back.

I have always been a gifted sleeper.  I can fall asleep on command, almost anywhere.  I wake up refreshed after 5 minutes or 3 hours.  I sleep on airplanes and in cars and on the floor.  Today I was thankful for the gift of sleep; the sicky hours were mostly spent in dreamland.  One dream, the only one I can remember now, was that the liver biopsy showed no cancer.  Throughout the day, I stirred and listened as my family went about Saturday play and everyday life.  I busied myself with resting and praying, thinking and dreaming.

The wrecking ball is clearing my body of the cancer and something beautiful is being planned in its stead.  I anticipate, I dream, I expect the beauty to come.


  1. I am inspired by your optimism and unwavering faith. Thank you for these posts. I will pray for you.

  2. Cyndi /

    ” I anticipate, I dream, I expect the beauty to come.” And so it will! Lots of us are dreaming of beautiful things for you, too. Sending a great big hug…

  3. Julie /

    Wow, you are strong in so many ways. Your strength, love, and hope are beautiful things. I am happy you have made a move, and now you are in it to win it.

    My baby son and I are still praying.

  4. michelle /

    You keep that strong, positive attitude. You will win this thing, your girls will see their mom perservere through the good and the hard, and your positivity will teach them more than anything. I am a stay-home mom to 3 yr old twins and a 2 yr old; I love my ‘little life’ as I know you do yours too – I have thought about you and prayed for you since you began your blog and journey down this scary path. Keep your chin up. People care about you and prayers can work miracles.

  5. I am praying for you. Your faith and positivity are amazing! Your attitude is exemplary. Rock on, strong mama!

  6. Another beautiful blog post. You are an inspiration!

  7. Your body is working hard, in conjunction with those miracle medicines, to fight the cancer. You are wise to rest and let your body work. I close my eyes and imagine your blood cells, dressed like a kickboxer and ready to kick some cancer booty.
    Fight the good fight! ♥

  8. laura /

    I’m praying for you every day!!! You will defeat it. We’re all cheering you on!!!

  9. I’m glad things are happening in a positive way. LIke you said the wrecking ball is coming after cancer!

  10. Susan /

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family many times each day. God surely hears our prayers and is with you every step of the way. Keep visualizing that cancer being killed off. Thank you for being such an inspiration to so many people.

  11. May God bless your beautiful faith-filled family, even in your darkest moments he will be there


  12. Rach /

    Jen – I’ve been following your blog since Glennon over at Momastery told us about you. You are in my prayers constantly. Have you heard the song, “Stare the Monster Down”? It’s a fighting song – I think you would enjoy it. My mom made a video to it when my dad was in the middle of chemo. I’m posting the link here. All the pictures are before chemo (but after diagnosis) and during chemo. After his hair started growing back, he decided to grow it out to donate. It got LONG. I wish there were some end of the journey pics in the video. But know that my family and I are cheering you on and staring down the monster from the other side.
    Hosanna! (He’s the King over this junk as well)

  13. swilsongoodwishes /

    You area very gifted writer, putting cancer in its place! I found your blog through the Momastery FB page. I love the way you share your arsenal on this journey. If you would be interested, I am happy to request a complimentary head wrap for you from the Good Wishes Program. I am a Good Wishes Ambassador and my efforts are all volunteer. Feel welcome to contact me directly: [Stacey Wilson] swilsongoodwishes@gmail.com or you can request directly from the Good Wishes site: http://www.goodwishesscarves.org! Sending Love and Good Wishes from Lancaster, PA.

  14. swilsongoodwishes /

    Love to read your updates! I found your blog from the Momastery FB page. There are so many monkees around the country keeping you close in thought. Thanks for sharing your journey and your arsenal – you are putting cancer in its place. If you would be interested, I am a Good Wishes Ambassador for the Good Wishes Program (North Bend, WA). All of my efforts are volunteer. Feel welcome to contact me: [Stacey Wilson] swilsongoodwishes@gmail.com or you can request a wrap directly from Good Wishes: http://www.goodwishesscarves.org. Sending Love and Good Wishes from Lancaster, PA!!

  15. You were in my dream last night Jen, we met briefly around a fire this past summer.
    My husband and I went to CCAD with your sister Meg, we were visiting their new house last night and she told me about you. My mom was diagnosed with bread cancer 5 years ago, she went through surgery and radiation, it was in the early stages and she is fine now.
    In my dream last night we were sitting around that same fire outside of your cabin, you were holding your newborn, seemed very calm and beautiful. I remember saying to you that everything will be okay, and that I will keep you in my thoughts. You smiled back like you knew it too.

    I thought I should share this with you, your blog is wonderful, Andrew and I will continue to keep you in our thoughts.

  16. Meredith /

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family! Your story is inspiring! Thank you for sharing your journey.

  17. Tami /

    As I have said before, you ate my inspiration, my “goal” if you will. What you’ve got, I need. And I don’t mean cancer. Just what it takes to fight it.
    I check this blog twice daily, I’ve told my therapist of you and I’m thinking I may refer to you as my wrecking ball friend, a reference to my need for strength, courage and a super powerful means by which I eliminate the negative thoughts I have, of myself.
    Yours is, by far, my favorite blog now.

  18. Holly sent me…and I’m happy to be a follower. You are in my prayers.

  19. You are strong and very brave…and a wonderful writer. Keep on keepin’ on one day at a time. I like you.

  20. This song spoke to me today about you- love you Jen, and continue to pray for you of course.

    Take my heart, I Lay it down
    At the feet of you whose crowned
    Take my life, I’m letting go
    I lift it up to You who’s throned

    And I will worship You, Lord
    Only You, Lord
    And I will bow down before You
    Only You Lord

    Take my fret, take my fear
    All I have, I’m leaving here
    Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
    Be all my delights, be my everything

    And It’s just you and me here now
    Only you and me here now

    You should see the view
    When it’s only You

  21. Rebecca /

    My thoughts continue to be with you and your family. Sister on!

  22. beautiful.

  23. Angiebee03 /

    I am so thankful to have come across your blog. You are an inspiration to me, as you remain optimistic through your pain. I, too, hope to be able to see the goodness through circumstances I’m placed in. May God continue to fill your heart with peace and give you strength to endure!