Gratitude
Apr 10
Yesterday was another day of cancer normal. I feel normal. Greta was passed between my mom and I all day and didn’t seem to mind at all. (Okay, so that is not normal, but I like it!) I’ve had short hair now for five or six days; I am used to it. My day was filled very ordinary, even boring, tasks. Dare I say, cancer is normal to me now? Brad and I told my parents about my cancer the day I was diagnosed while Maren was at dance class three weeks ago. Preschool started again yesterday, next week she has her dance photos, Saturday is her first soccer game. We are settling into our new routine. Greta learned to climb stairs (Lord help me). I have chemo treatment two of sixteen (if all goes according to plan) on Thursday. We have an inner circle who have made changes to their daily/weekly routines to live life with us. Our childcare bumps are smoothing out and my girls are thriving. The business and happiness that is our life is going on and we are just figuring it out, one day at a time. It feels okay; it feels normal. And–I am happy. I have a reservoir of hope and joy that feels full.
Yesterday, as part of my new normal, I spent nearly three hours writing thank you notes and communicating back to people. I struggled then, and I struggle now to find words that encompass the deep well of gratitude that sustains me. I was at a coffee shop. (In a past life I dreamed of having busy and important things to do at coffee shops while instead, I cruised by on my way to grocery store with two kids and a long list.) My hand cramped for the first time in a loooong time as I tried to describe the impact that kindness has had one me over the past three weeks. Last night I drove wishing I could write-and-drive thinking of more people to write, more gifts. I need them to know how much they matter.
I have intentions of following up on many of the hundreds of blog comments to family, friends and strangers who have touched me with their words and heartfelt sentiment. Each time someone comments on my blog, I get a message on my phone so that I can read it in real time. Initially, I found this somewhat overwhelming and intended to turn the feature off. Stumped by technology again, I am happy that I never learned how to change it. The mornings of my port and biopsy surgeries, I sat, waiting with Brad, and I was peppered with messages and prayers. Still, as I go about my day, I get to read about a loved one–near or far–who is thinking of me at that very moment. Strangers, oh the strangers. I do not doubt the words, prayers and gifts that strangers are giving to me. But I am having such. a. hard. time. explaining to myself why they (you) are reaching out in such profound ways with words and gifts and prayers.
So this morning, I do not feel witty or intelligent. I feel muddled in thought and inarticulate. It is hard to offer up this humble blog post. I am trying to say thank you for loving me. My cup runneth over.
Cancer is small. Love is big.
“Cancer is small. Love is big.” Amen! I love your normal and I love you spirit! I haven’t prayed in while but you have given me a reason to pray. You have no idea what a gift that is! Keep fighting and most important – keep living!
I’m sitting here praying for you and your family this morning Jen. I am praying for your healing and that God would draw you into a deeper connection with Him. Take some time to lie down in green pastures and be still by quiet waters.
Hi Jen. This is all God’s way of say He loves you too! Through other people and the love they send, the beautiful sky, the smile of a stranger, hugs and loves from your family. And I promise you that everyone feels thanks at just being able to do the little that they do in helping, praying or just being touched by your wonderful words. You just keep taking care of yourself and being the wonderful you that you are. Love and prayers to you and your family.
No need to say thanks for the prayers and blog comments and such… you are giving everyone the gift of yourself by sharing this blog and the gift of allowing us to pray for you and hope for you. Let go of those obligations and allow yourself to sink into enjoying the normalcy of time with family and friends and enjoying every moment of every day. You are loved.
I found your blog yesterday and read every single post. Thank you for sharing your journey, your faith, your very self. My baby girl and I will be adding you to our morning prayer time.
Hi Jen. I am a friend and coworker of Tiffany and I have heard about you (and all your other Miami girls) for a VERY long time. I tell her all the time that she is SO lucky to have her Miami girls so close by and I get SO jealous of her getting to have the monthly gatherings that you girls do. My Miami girls are all spreadout and we do not get to see each other like we would love to. I feel that I know you just by hearing all about Tiff’s Miami girls (sorry that is my dubbed name for you all since I can only remember a few of your names) whenever there is something happening with her circle of friends. When she told me about you, my heart just sank and she shared with me your blog. Of course I folllowed, because like I said, I feel like I know all about you from Tiff’s stories, and I look forward to reading your blog when you post. I am not a super religious person anymore, but after reading through your posts, you’ve kind of given me reason to start figuring out my religious side again. I have prayed for you; I have started to pray for others, and I have started to pray for me. THANK you for showing me that God is out there and spreading his graciousness in the world. You’ve also shown me that I need to start living my life a little differently and be more appreciative of the people and things around me. You are such a loved person and by the way Tiff describes her Miami girls, all of you are gifts from God. I will continue to pray for your healing and look forward to hearing about more of your normal days ahead.
I’m sitting alone in my quiet home in the rare moments where both my husband and little baby are both sleeping, and I’m checking in with your blog to see how you’re doing. My eyes get misty and I pass along a quiet prayer to you and your family. We women, we mothers, are all one tribe. We’re all in it together. Strength in numbers.
Hi Jen, I don’t have much to say this morning, but I just read your blog and giggled about your phone instantly notifying you when someone replied, and of course I wanted to send you a real time note then and let you know that in this very moment I am praying for you~
Your life and your helpera are a picture is the body of Christ. I’ve read it before and tried to picture the toes, elbows, fingers all working together. Now I see it and it is amazing. Prayers are goIng up all over the world for you and yours. Keep living and loving. You inspire me to be grateful.
***helpers
Your attitude is absolutely astonishing and inspiring. Thank you for that.
People are reaching out because of Jesus. He prompts us to do and say all that we do. I know that for me, I follow you because your words bringe hope and encouragement to me and I am drawn to your situation and feel compassion and friendship, though we have never met. You are worthy of kind words and actions. Not because you have cancer. Because, you are you! I am learning to be positive and strong from you, a total stranger. It is something I was never taught. Thank you. (don’t let that pressure you into being fake. I know you are only human;-)
I hope this pops up on your phone and you feel the love!
Your words are, as always, beautiful and full of hope. You are a precious daughter of Jesus and He has drawn each of us around you to lift you up in prayer and to support you during this journey. You may be a “stranger” technically but you are my sister in Christ and I am honored to stand alongside you and fight this battle with you through prayer. Thank you for always sharing your heart and know that you are loved and are not in this alone.
The reason us strangers reach out to you, is because you are US (if that makes sense). You are a mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend who while just loving the art of living was blindsided, and you’ve handled it with such grace, faith, courage, and strength. You give us hope, that should something similar happen to us, life can and will go on, and go on with laughter and joy in abundance. So THANK YOU for giving us hope, and daily assurances, that joy in the midst of chaos is possible with the right perspective!
Ditto what Julie said. I also have two little girls,and I think “Joy in the Midst of Chaos” is what sums it all up. Continued prayers for your and your family.
This is exactly what I signed on to say. You are “us,” at least “us” on our good days. I look forward to your posts each day and will be celebrating all of your successes with you as you continue on your journey. And again, please do us all a favor and kick cancer’s butt!
I totally agree with this. In some ways, you have taken the fear out of the unknown, by reminding us that if we just look up and have faith, the scariness of someday losing our normal, is just a little less scary. God will use it if we allow him to, the way He is using you to lift up many, by your simple, heartfelt words. YOU ARE GIVING GIFTS LEFT AND RIGHT, so don’t you forget that.
Jen, I am amazed and humbled by your Grace. I am so impressed and honored that you are including all of us in your journey. You are an inspiration and a daily reminder that the little moments are so so precious and important. Thank you for reminding me to take the time to sit with my babies, and soak in the gifts that God has bestowed upon me.
Praying for you whenever you cross my mind, which is whenever I look at my children and feel thankful that I have them.
Your circle of friends is ever widening. Our church prays for you at each church service. So..all of these people are praying for you three times a week and that will continue as we move forward with your treatment. God Bless you, Brad, Maren and Greta today. Say “hi” from Grandma. I love you all.
Hi Jen-I do not know you. I live in Memphis, TN and heard about you by reading momastery. I have two daughters myself, only mine have grown up a little. My oldest just turned 11 and my youngest will soon turn 9. I have been praying for you since I read your blog linked to momastery. Girl-you must know you are one in a million! I love your strong faith, wit, and your undaunting cheerful attitude-you totally rock! I know you are going to kick cancer’s sorry butt because the world needs a beautiful heart like yours to share it’s love and gifts.You inspire me and I wish you Godspeed in your recovery. Keep fighting like a girl!
Jen–you don’t know me, I came here from Momastery. Pay these prayers forward please. That’s what I am doing for you for all the time people have prayed for me. We are all in this together!
This was the favorite scripture of some friends when she was going through chemo and radiation and surgery. You can beat this! Please accept all the prayers and offers of help.
Isiah 40:31
But those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint
Hello from another internet stranger! I’ve been reading your story since Glennon Doyle with Momastery sent us here. I rarely comment, but I’m so glad you shared that you get these messages in “real time”. I just went through the cancer fiasco with my best friend…I know how hard it was for her to accept help, to let people in, to know that we wanted to go through this WITH her. Just remember that when you let others help you, you are letting us fulfill our ministry. We were also commanded to help others, “What you do for the least of these, you also do for me.” Don’t be afraid or overwhelmed when others want to help you and your family. It’s a blessing to us as well! Thank you for sharing your story so openly with us. Prayers and blessing to your family.
~Christy in NC
You are an incredible woman, Jen. I came upon your blog through Momastery. I am a physician assistant so i understand much of this from a medical perspective as i have walked this road with many other sweet and incredible individuals in your position. you are stronger and braver than you think you are and your family and friends along with the grace of god and your team of smart and wonderful medical docs will get you through this. Continue to embrace each day endlessly even when the going gets rough. Hug those sweet baby girls just one second longer each day. You are not only their mom, but you are and always will be their hero. And your husband, let him be your rock! You got this one Jen. Will continue to send prayers your way each and every day as you fight this battle.
I am one of those strangers (who came here via Momastery) thinking and praying for you and your family and following your blog. You are such a great writer and seem so honest and genuine. Thank you for sharing and for fighting.
I am one of those strangers who is reading your blog and praying for you. Your words, your faith, your courage, your love are so inspiring. I pray for you because I can see myself in your life and your love for your family. I also came here from momastery and have been so moved by your words. I come and read them every morning and am uplifted by your amazing strength. I am grateful for your life and your testimony of God’s power.
I am one of the many strangers who prays for you, multiple times a day. I am thrilled to know that it brings you some peace and comfort to know that we are all out here interceding on your behalf and cheering for you from the sidelines. xo
Another stranger here to say I’m praying for you!
I, too, am one of the many “strangers” out here praying for you every day. I am thrilled to hear that it brings you some sense of peace and comfort to know we are interceding on your behalf and cheering for you and your family from the sidelines. Thank you so much for taking the time to keep us updated. Wishing you the gift of an ordinary day with those you love. xo – Susan in Oklahoma
Jen, as i sit and read over your blog posts, I am just amazed at your courage and strength. Your daughters are pretty much the luckiest girls in the world to have such an beautiful example of faith, strength, love, and inspiration to learn from every day. You seriously rock girl. Every day, I am praying for you. I pray for continued strength, and that you keep kicking cancer’s butt!! I know how tough you are, and what a true competator you can be so I am confident cancer doesn’t stand a chance! I’ll keep praying, and know that God will continue to heal and change your life in ways that only He can.
Jen – I am one of those ‘strangers’ that has been praying for you, and silently cheering you on. I came to your blog through Momastery, but I keep coming back because I am drawn to your story, to your words. Cancer has affected my life – I lost my dad, at 57 years old, almost one year ago. I understand the depth of gratitude for the people that step forward to help, to give of their time, and their grace, and their love. It is overwhelming. Drink it in. Let people love you. It helps them too. Thank you for sharing your journey so honestly. As so many have said – you are US. I am a mom and a wife and a daughter. A sister and a co-worker. Your story touches me. Your courage – awesome. This stranger will continue to pray for you, for your girls, for your family.
Philippians 4:12-13 I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.
As one of those strangers (also from Momastery), a SAHM with little kids, around your age, etc. etc, I am SO IMPRESSED by how you are handling this. I doubt I would be as strong and graceful. The very little things I can do to help (prayer being the biggest one) bring me pleasure as well. Don’t be overwhelmed, don’t worry about thank you notes, you just concentrate on your family and beating cancer!! People want to help, and you are very deserving.
Honestly, I don’t know what compelled me to leave you, a perfect stranger, so many comments either. Maybe it’s because I’m a mom too. Maybe it’s because this could happen to any of us. One thing I know for sure, is that your faith inspires me. Every day your unyeilding faith, inspires me to believe more in our God. To trust him. So thank you for that. I need to be reminded sometimes.
Jen, I have never met you but I find myslef waking each morning with you on my mind. I pray for you daily and am so inspired by your story. I am a blogger too and I shared your story last week with my followers, which are not very many. I think it is so easy to get wrapped up in something that is happening in your life that you need to look outside and see that others are dealing with issues that are much worse and they take it on with a positive attitude. There should be no negativity in a cancer battle. I am excited to be a part of your process even though we don’t know one another I feel close to you. I look forward to the day when I open your blog and see that you are cancer free. It will happen. I know it. I claim it for you each morning in my prayers.
Jen — I continue to pray for your health and well-being. As “V” said, strangers such as myself reach out to you because we see ourselves in you, and our lives in your life. I have an almost 4-year-old daughter and a nine month old son. I am only a couple of years older than you, and we seemingly have similar lives. So, I pray for you as I am sure you would pray for me — that your life returns to the crazy, silly, overwhelmingly busy “normal” that it’s supposed to be when you have small kids. Keep fighting the good fight. You WILL beat this. **Ashley in Louisiana
I am another total stranger who has prayed earnestly for you for the past several weeks. I am a cancer survivor with two beautiful daughters, the younger of whom was only 10 months old when I was diagnosed. I remember very clear feelings of being the most fortunate woman in the world after my diagnosis, in large part because of the army of friends and family – and strangers – praying for us and taking care of us. It’s a privilege and an honor to do the same for you from Mt. Pleasant, SC.
“cancer is small, and love is big” that is my motto today…..thank you for teaching me/us how to live life to the fullest with and without cancer……
Thank YOU for sharing your story, your life, and allowing us to pray for you and care for you. We are grateful that you are being so generous as to share your journey with us.Your post here is one giant thank you note. Really! Truly!
A good friend fought this battle 2 years ago. She also has 2 girls. I know it is humbling to accept the help from others, but be assured that we are blessed in the helping.
Everything V wrote above is also true for me.
1. From another ‘stranger’ – this above comment says it all and is also why I’m here (via Momastery) to pray for and support you.
“Honestly, I don’t know what compelled me to leave you, a perfect stranger, so many comments either. Maybe it’s because I’m a mom too. Maybe it’s because this could happen to any of us. One thing I know for sure, is that your faith inspires me. Every day your unyeilding faith, inspires me to believe more in our God. To trust him. So thank you for that. I need to be reminded sometimes.”
Yikes! I think I now need to apologize for commenting in the middle of the night when my little one is eating. I never thought about real time alerts! I think I might just have to go ahead and apologize in advance for doing again in the future. Turns out this little one likes hanging with his Moma every couple of hours, and I am I will forget. That is what no sleep does to me.
-Julie and baby
Still praying!
You’re a writer, you are. Prayers and “stranger love” from Texas 🙂
“I am I will forget” another product of little sleep!
Julie
Came over from Glennon’s Momastery page and am now following your blog on a daily basis as well! I think about and pray for you/your family every day and will continue to do so. Thank YOU for teaching us not how to simply overcome challenges, but to face them head on, with grace and tenacity. You are a true model of how to face adversity and WIN. You will win this war. I can feel it.
Continued love and blessings from Ohio!
You have permission to JUST receive the love Jen. Soak it in. You will pay it forward in due time and at that time you will also, like the rest of us, expect nothing in return. Your job is to heal friend. Receive the love. Period. Don’t analyze it, don’t try to pay it back, don’t anything. Please. Just allow yourself to rest and heal. I love that your cancer normal is better than your previous normal. It’s ok to soak that in. It’s like Christ’s love… you cannot earn it, you can only receive it. Let the cup run over! I love you. You are an inspiration. Deal with it.
ps. can we get a ‘short hair pic’?!? xo
Another sunny day just for you Jen 😉 wish I could attach a photo here for you. After getting back from Florida I looked out my window and my pink dogwood is absolutely gorgeous-like never before. Thinking it must be a gift for you from the Lord- full of abundant blooms; blooms of hope and reassurance. The Lord is ever present
I’m with Lisa. Know you are loved by family, friends, and strangers (hi!) and let that be enough for now. If it helps you to pay it forward, then do. But focusing on YOU is the important part now. Hugs and prayers from VA.
I am one of those strangers who is reading your blog while living in Moscow, Russia for a few years. I pray for you as the Lord brings you to mind and check in to see how you and your family are doing through all this. God is faithful!
OH jen….I am wiping tears as I am reading your words. My stomach is in knots and I feel weak in the knees. My mom and both aunts have had breast cancer and my mom’s has gone to her brain. I have been struggling with the acceptance of this for many years. I empathize. I am praying to the giver of Life and to our Savior Jesus Christ. He truly is the only comfort….. Going to Him now.
Oh, Jen, when I received your thank you note, I THOUGHT how awful that you felt you had to do even one more thing during this time that should be focused on you and your healing…but I FELT touched that you shared your gratitude with me. I can see how we both are graced in love as a result.
I think of us all as having little bits of magnets in us that draw us to particular circumstances. God turns on the magnetic power and we automatically go where we are needed…where being and expressing who we are is just what is needed. Are you the one in need? Are we? Or is it all of us? Only God knows…and it is perfect!
I know I can honestly say your beautiful openness, courage and sincerity touch my heart, and I feel privileged to share a bit of this journey with you. Thanks for being YOU!!
Sending a little extra plj…
You have such a beautiful outlook. I can only hope I’d have your strength and grace should I find myself in a similar situation. Thank you for sharing with us strangers. You might not know or believe it, but you are an inspiration.
You inspire and amaze me with every post. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us strangers. The very least we can do is tell you how much we appreciate it, and to send you our prayers and love. May God bless you, and these wonderful doctors cure you. The world is a better place with you here.
Lots of love Jen! I think of you and your family daily.
ive become a faithful follower since G posted on Momastery. I haven’t commented yet but now knowing that you receive them live on your phone, I’m going for it.
I’m so inspired. I’m so thankful. Truly my perspective on things have shifted as a result of reading your words. So, thank you. A prayer for you, Psalm 28:7
The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.
Hello – I also began reading your story when Glennon mentioned you on Momastery. I am 30 with two girls and your story hit home in a way that makes me want to follow your journey, praying and cheering for you every step of the way. Like everyone else, I’m inspired by your courage and positive attitude. You are in my prayers, and I can’t wait for the day when I will read on your blog that you are cancer free!
Just think of us as friends you haven’t met yet.
Thanks for sharing and thanks for thanking.
Glad to be part of your prayer team.
Jen. I think I you everyday. I am a physician assistant working in women’s health. I think of you when I see my patients and I think of you when I spend time with my family. I admire your spirit. You are always in my prayers. Keep your strength and if there in any clinical or non clinical help I can give please feel free to email me. Sister on… Sending you and your family love. Katherine
Gorgeous girl, your cup runneth over because what goes around comes around in life. You give so much love, happiness and energy to all of your family and friends that you are bound to get it back, particularly in these crazy times. We love you more than words can say, love Aunty Shell & the crazy gang over here xxx
Praying for you and your family!!
I’m so glad that you have felt loved by so many people. You deserve it, because you are an amazing, strong women with a huge heart that you have used to help and love so many others. Love you. Kim
Jen ~ Your words from your heart, expresses all your Thanks. I know I don’t know you, other than one of my friend’s daughters; however, the respect I have for your Mother & the respect I have for your Journey fills my heart with Prayers for you & everyone that loves you 🙂 May Peace be with you today & always ~ Marlayne 🙂
I just found your blog. I am one of the praying strangers you don’t yet understand…but I think it is clear: you share from your heart, and people connect with that. I think your faith, determination, and joy are remarkable.
Plain and simple….we LOVE you Jen! I love living life with such an amazing woman. 🙂
Thank YOU for reminding us that we are blessed, even at the toughest times. Your faith and love makes me remember to stay faithful in Him always. Us Mommies have big jobs, but it includes watching out for each other and praying for each other. God bless you and your family, doctors, care givers!
I think about you every day and check your blog every day. xoxoxo ( — Kristin P from momastery)
Hi Jen,
I love your positive energy 🙂
Prayers, love & confidence will conquer!!
FYI: before my liver transplant I was very positive and ready for it. My happiness & willingness surprised many people, but I trusted my Medical staff. Guess what? It has been a success. You will have a successful outcome also. I KNOW YOU WILL!
Love you guys
Luanne
Luanne
This is your Australian “stranger” popping up on your phone to say, that the love is coming to you from all over the globe! I have commented once before and I can’t remember if I mentioned this or not, but I am an oncology social worker, currently a sahm mum to three gorgeous boys, and your story resonates with me on so many levels. I have shared the cancer journey with so many and it is a privilege to share yours too, albeit from the other side of the world. Thank you for for putting yourself out there and sharing with us all. Thank you for allowing us to support you from near and far, it takes courage to put yourself out there tithe world though from what I have learned from you, courage is not something you lack!
Sending a stack more, “kick cancers butt” vibes from me to you!
Sarah xx
Jen, we should be the one thanking you, not the other way around! So THANK YOU! You are such an inspiration to me. I am a 34 year old mother of 2 young boys and I’ve been following your blog since “Day One”. I so look forward to reading your blog every day…you make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me want to be a better mother, you make me feel grateful for the little things…so thank you. Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for being you! You are in my prayers daily!
Jen – I found your blog through Momastery and have been following you since that day. Your grace, faith and spirit are truly an inspiration to those in your world (certainly the ones you know personally and all the others you will never meet). I have a young son who went through 2 1/2 years of chemotherapy recently and our family experienced a similar outpouring of love, support, time, prayers and gifts from friends, family and strangers alike – all over the world. I understand how completely humbling it is and how you would like to simply hold each person tight to show how moved you are and undeserving you feel much of the time. And how you feel like you could never, ever repay such kindness and compassion even if you wrote ten thousand thank you notes.
Keep that kick-ass attitude, Jen! You are just beginning to find out what you are made of with this fight and the new you at the end of it is going to be crazy unstoppable! Thank you for your transparency and inspiration through this. You will be in our family’s prayers as we follow your journey. My son, who is now 12 and doing very well, wants to you know that you “get used to getting the port accessed, but don’t ever forget your Emla cream to make sure it’s numb first!”.
Hugs and much love!! XoXoX
I’m one of the strangers who is following your journey, praying for you. Although we’ve never met, you’ve touched me in a way I cannot adequately describe. You’ve given me the biggest gift of reminding me to rejoice in daily life. Your words convey your strength, and I know you’re going to beat this. And you’ll come through having touched and helped so many people.
Blessings to you.
I have a friend who was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer this January. She had a completed hystorectomy and is now undergoing chemo every three weeks. She has two boys ages 2 and 8. Another friend of mine found your blog and thought , wow! This is really real and someone is truely telling about the day in the life of a person with cancer. We sent this blog link to our friend with cancer and hope that she will read it and it will be a positive connection for her . I read it every day and truely admire how strong and positive you are with your family, friends and strangers. God bless you.